Pizza, Burger, and Wings! OH MY!

I love food... there I admit me. More than that though, I am a food addict!  Many people turn to alcohol, drugs, or other destructive things, but I turn to food.   I turn to food when I am happy or sad or mad or stressed or any emotion really.  I believe having and emotional tie to food is something that I learned a long time ago.  Culturally, food is used to celebrate or morn any occasion.  Growing up I really can not thing of anytime when food wasn't at a event or gathering.  Even playing baseball, a parent brought snacks and drinks after games.  So some of my issues with food was learned and reinforced by years of growing up.  I mean, try to think about a birthday party with cake, or a wedding with dinner, or a funeral without food for the family or other.  I can't think of them, maybe you can but it's hard to do.

One of my major issues that I talk with my very well intentioned, educated, talented, and fun trainer about is food and how I turn to it when I am sad, depressed, and stressed.  He always asks "How did you feel after you had the (insert bad food item here - mine are usually fried chicken, wings, ice cream, and pizza)?" And I see his honest to goodness true baffled reaction when I said "I felt good," or "It was delicious."  Yes, you see I turn to food as something that makes me feel better and the regret come when we are standing there and he is (for what I see) judging me.  Now that is my opinion and he would never say that he is judging me, and has always been open and accepting but its obvious that we view food in two different ways.  He has never been overweight in his life and/or had the addiction to food like I have.  For him he does not tie food with emotions, and I wish that I didn't either.  That is what I know I have to work on and is a goal of mine.  I honestly do feel better talking with my friend Jay about food, because she also has emotions tied to food.  She gets it and is supportive.  So I have come to the conclusion that talking about this is probably one of the ways of addressing this.

What my trainer and others don't understand (and maybe never will) is that when I feel good and turn down a dessert (like I did today in the dining hall - yay me!), I feel very proud for myself in that moment however that does not last long.  If I am sad or stressed or overwhelmed, and I turn down my craving for fried food, I have NO satisfaction from that.  All I can think of is how what I chose to eat is not as good as fried chicken. Then the thought stays with me until I have it.  Now when I was losing weight, I was able resist giving into my urge until that negative emotion stopped and then sensibly address the craving.  So going to get 1 piece of fried chicken with a salad and vegetable instead of a bucket with mac and cheese and mashed potatoes (remember those days Cynthia and Tearria).

What makes this so hard is food is needed for survival, so I will always have to partake in what I am addicted to.  I think talking about it and trying to divorce food from emotions is my next steps.