When I was losing weight in my big weight loss (2010) I was very unhappy and disgusted with myself and my body. I saw a picture and didn't recognize myself and that started the process for me. Additionally I was starting to have high blood pressure and it was either medication or weight loss. I honestly came from a place of hating my body and my image. My roommate (at the time) and very good friend, Rio was very loving of his image and how he looked and wanted to lose weight to better himself. We had many discussions where I argued "If you are completely happy with the way you look, then why would you change? There has to be some displeasure there!" Internally I was projecting my own self-loathing and uncomfortably with my body onto him and others trying to lose weight. We both lost weight in our own ways and at different paces and levels that were right for us at the time, and I never fully understood where he was coming from (and I don't think we understood me either - but our friendship was ok with that).
Now what astonished me looking back is that I was unhappy with my body image and self and lost my 90 pounds and that never changed for me. I was 90 pounds lighter, very athletic, fit for most people, and was still unhappy with myself and my body. Yes I liked the feeling of being thinner and about to exercise like a beast (which I could at one point) but only thought of what I could do more of and what work I still needed to do. I became dependent on the scale and numbers and others compliments. If the changes were not see, I was more unhappy than when I started. What was wrong with me!!!!????!!!!
I gained weight back and have been happy in my life. I have made an amazing friend group, active in sports, and love my work. I went on vacation this May after gaining a lot of weight back and took my shirt off and didn't feel too self conscious (I was uncomfortable at times but didn't feel judged or anything by my friends there) and that is something that I did not do when I was at my lowest weight, and actually something that I hadn't done since maybe 13 or so. I always swam and had a shirt on. So now I have this place of love for me, I am not happy with the weight that I gained back, but I am happy with me. This leads to my new thoughts, how to do I enter this process in a realm of love, where I love myself and don't judge. I want to enter happy and leave happy too. I still want to lose weight but I don't want to hate myself or process doing it. I visited with my good friends Mary-Kate, Jason, and Adrie (also Will is now in the reunion), at Adrie's place in Hilton Head. I did keep my shirt on because I just didn't feel that comfortable at the time (and plus I was really white - no tanning for me recently). Adrie and I had some amazing talks and she had some really interesting perspectives and I am going to start reading some books she recommended. One thing she recommended was saying mantras, and I am not sure how that works and will learn more but I have been trying it every morning and several times throughout the day. I came up with my own mantra (which I don't even know if thats legal in mantra law (lol), but it works for me) and I look at myself and say "I am adequate, confident and able to handle anything that come my way. Weight is just a shell that I no longer need." This mantra for me addresses my worry of self doubt about things and how I have used weight to feel safe and not have to worry about getting hurt. I am not sure that it will work and it may seem pretty hippy or out there for some of you (and probably me in the past) but this feels right, right now. I do believe, as my favorite TedTalk presenter, Rita Pierson says " You say it long enough, it starts to be a part of you."
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