Pizza, Burger, and Wings! OH MY!

I love food... there I admit me. More than that though, I am a food addict!  Many people turn to alcohol, drugs, or other destructive things, but I turn to food.   I turn to food when I am happy or sad or mad or stressed or any emotion really.  I believe having and emotional tie to food is something that I learned a long time ago.  Culturally, food is used to celebrate or morn any occasion.  Growing up I really can not thing of anytime when food wasn't at a event or gathering.  Even playing baseball, a parent brought snacks and drinks after games.  So some of my issues with food was learned and reinforced by years of growing up.  I mean, try to think about a birthday party with cake, or a wedding with dinner, or a funeral without food for the family or other.  I can't think of them, maybe you can but it's hard to do.

One of my major issues that I talk with my very well intentioned, educated, talented, and fun trainer about is food and how I turn to it when I am sad, depressed, and stressed.  He always asks "How did you feel after you had the (insert bad food item here - mine are usually fried chicken, wings, ice cream, and pizza)?" And I see his honest to goodness true baffled reaction when I said "I felt good," or "It was delicious."  Yes, you see I turn to food as something that makes me feel better and the regret come when we are standing there and he is (for what I see) judging me.  Now that is my opinion and he would never say that he is judging me, and has always been open and accepting but its obvious that we view food in two different ways.  He has never been overweight in his life and/or had the addiction to food like I have.  For him he does not tie food with emotions, and I wish that I didn't either.  That is what I know I have to work on and is a goal of mine.  I honestly do feel better talking with my friend Jay about food, because she also has emotions tied to food.  She gets it and is supportive.  So I have come to the conclusion that talking about this is probably one of the ways of addressing this.

What my trainer and others don't understand (and maybe never will) is that when I feel good and turn down a dessert (like I did today in the dining hall - yay me!), I feel very proud for myself in that moment however that does not last long.  If I am sad or stressed or overwhelmed, and I turn down my craving for fried food, I have NO satisfaction from that.  All I can think of is how what I chose to eat is not as good as fried chicken. Then the thought stays with me until I have it.  Now when I was losing weight, I was able resist giving into my urge until that negative emotion stopped and then sensibly address the craving.  So going to get 1 piece of fried chicken with a salad and vegetable instead of a bucket with mac and cheese and mashed potatoes (remember those days Cynthia and Tearria).

What makes this so hard is food is needed for survival, so I will always have to partake in what I am addicted to.  I think talking about it and trying to divorce food from emotions is my next steps.

So I decided to blog...

I have been asked for a while if I was going to write about my journey in health and fitness.  For a long time I decided that what I had to say was not worthy of writing about and that personal connections would suffice.  However, as I am getting lost in the Labyrinth of fitness, I realized that blogging wasn't just about what I had to say but also what others had to say and building a community of fitness around me.  

I decided to use the analogy of the labyrinth as my blog title.  I personally find this analogy accurate.  I will steal a line from Wikipedia (hey this is not a scholarly blog!) about the difference in a maze and labyrinth:

"In colloquial English, labyrinth is generally synonymous with maze, but many contemporary scholars observe a distinction between the two: maze refers to a complex branching (multicursal) puzzle with choices of path and direction; while a single-path (unicursal) labyrinth has only a single, non-branching path, which leads to the center. A labyrinth in this sense has an unambiguous route to the center and back and is not designed to be difficult to navigate." Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labyrinth

While I think there are many ways to be healthy, weight loss in my mind is not meant designed to be difficult to navigate.  To me if you eat correctly (increase veggies and lean proteins, etc.) and work out, then the results you want will happen.  At least that has been my experience, for others it may be a maze with different branches that can lead to ends.  I think what makes the find the center of the labyrinth (or being healthy) is the person that complicates this and gets off the path that leads to the center.  Which has been true in my experiences.    

Earlier I talked about building a community of fitness and health around me.  I used to have that and I stopped and removed myself from my community.  I stopped checking in with friends about fitness, stopped going to Cardio Dance, stopped allowing my trainer to hold me accountable, and stopped encouraging my friends to support me and call me out when I don't make good decisions.  Well I am back friends and I want to ask that you join me in this fitness community and help me and I will help you as well.  Community is the way that I lost all the weight the first time, and what I believe will continue to push me this time!  

Thank you to those who haven't given up on me and continue to support me through this split up!